Rest in Peace, Junko Furuta.

Posted on 11:44 PM - by Nica Quirimit In:
"There's nothing you can do to help her now, is there?"

 Oo. Marahil tama siya. There is nothing I can do to help her now and that is basically why I cannot stand the thought that nobody helped her when they could. Not even her parents. Bakit? Kasi takot silang mamatay? Kaya hinayaan na lang nila na mabuhay ang anak nila sa impyerno sa loob ng 44 na araw.

 Sabi kasi ng best friend ko, "Think happy thoughts," pagkatapos kong halos mawala sa sarili pagkabasa ko sa istorya niya. Sobrang apektado ako. Hindi ko alam ano exactly ang emotion na naramdaman ko. First time iyon. First time kong naramdaman ang 'mixed emotions'. Sobrang mixed nga talaga.

 Sagot ko sa best friend ko sa 'happy thoughts' suggestion niya, "Thinking of happy thoughts makes me feel guilty." At totoo naman. How can I possibly think of happy thoughts kung alam kong posibleng isang kagaya niya ang maaaring nire-rape sa mga oras na ito o sinisilaban ng buhay? Paano ako mag-iisip ng happy thoughts kung alam kong ang happy thought na natira sa kanya ng mga oras na iyon ay ang mamatay na lang siya at nang matapos na ang pagpapahirap sa kanya? Paano ako mag-iisip ng happy thoughts kung alam kong hindi niya nakamit ang hustisya sa buhay na ito dahil nakalaya ang mga nilalang na lumapastangan sa kanya?

 "There's nothing you can do to help her now, is there?" sagot ng best friend ko. Naiyak na lang ako. Kasi tama siya. I hate the feeling na alam kong someone somewhere could have saved her. Or at least those 4 creatures shouldn't have been born. Or their parents should've never met. It kills me na wala ni isang tumulong dahil sa takot. Pucha, apat na lalaki lang iyon! Teenagers! Babae siya at wala siyang kayang gawin kundi hingin ang tulong ng parents niya pero iyong kaisa-isang hope niyang iyon, natakot pa.

 As I write this, naiiyak na naman ako. Who knew I could be so sensitive? My tough image is being stepped on right now, but I'd rather have that than have the image of her face being brutally mutilated by 4 creatures replaying in my head. Paulit-ulit.

 Sobrang disturbed ako ngayon. I've never been more disturbed. Tulad nga ng sinabi ko kay Dawnson, nayurak ang moral ko at ang tiwala ko sa tao. Si Dawnson naman, sabi niya hindi naman siya gaanong na-disturb. Alam niya na capable ang tao na gumawa ng supposed unimaginable things.

 Sabi ko kasi, natatakot akong matulog tonight kasi, considering how my brain works, maaaring magkaroon ako ng nightmare about it tonight. Nabuhay din ang takot ko sa dilim. Naging hyper-active ang sense of hearing ko at sense of sight. Mabuti na lang at katabi ko si Mama at Chibi matulog tonight. Kung hindi, baka hindi na talaga ako matutulog.

 Dati naman kasi, inaamin kong mababa ang tiwala ko sa tao. Anti-social nga sabi ni Ara. Pero ngayon, feeling ko kinahihiya ko na rin na naging ka-uri ko ang mga lalaking iyon. Repulsive.
I still don't know exactly what to do with myself right now, but my plan of going out more often just flew out the window. Joining orgs won't happen. Stepping out of the door alone isn't a possibility. Hello, pepperspray. Or just get me a gun, please. I'm sleepy. I'll write again tomorrow when I wake up. See if I'm feeling better. Then maybe then I could think of something to help her.


October 29, 2009 / 12:50 am
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For details about Junko Furuta, google it, people. Not for the faint-hearted and people with wide imagination or you'll end up writing a blog such as this, too.

Stream of Thoughts

Posted on 6:06 PM - by Nica Quirimit In: ,
Rules: Write down the first thing that pops in your head. NO EDITING ALLOWED!
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I am alone at last with my paper and pen. This alone-time with my two best friends in the world would only take a while. I think I should savor each second while it lasts.

In a bedroom I share with my sister, I rest my back on a stack of pillows and start to write. The mirror attached to my closet's door is covered with a long cloth. I stared at it, and for some reason, my heart started to pound. I just heard the computer room's door downstairs close-- in a few minutes, Ara's going to be here and if the situation gets awkward that I'm still writing this, I shall stop.

It's usually at this hour that my brain is very much alive. I hear everything. I smell everything. I see everything. I hear even my neighbor's cough. I smell the wind's weird scent as it rushes in from my window. I see even the slightest movement of an out-of-place cockroach and house lizard.

There, I heard something from outside again. My heart's beat slightly went faster. It's back to normal now. Right now, I'm still thinking why I'm writing this. I think I might post this.

I've been thinking of... Ara's here. She's standing beside me. She just climbed to bed as she said, "Hey, you're still awake." She's lying beside me now and is randomly singing songs from Rent. Did I mention we share a bed?

Guess she doesn't care that I'm still writing and that I didn't recognize her at all when she came in.

The wind swooshes and I can hear the leaves rustling outside. I think it's raining. The light's still on.

Don't you just hate it when a teddy bear, no matter how cute they look, just sits there and stares at nothing? It's like it's mocking you. I'm still staring at the teddy bear sitting at my bed's foot. And it hasn't moved a millimeter. It's scaring me already.

Oh well. Usually, at this hour, I'm already reflecting as to why I'm still single. But I didn't watch anything romantic enough to make me feel empty tonight. But usually, I do. Just not tonight. It's a good thing, really.

I wonder what it is that repels guys from me. Right now, it doesn't affect me, but when it's one of those nights that a romantic scene is stuck in my head, I usually care as to why I'm still single.

Turning the page broke me from my trance.

Here's another thought: I wonder what it's like to be cuddled. I've watched enough movies and I think cuddling is something I would enjoy. Cuddling. That part only. Cuddling only. Wow, I just stopped myself from writing something in here. I broke my own rule. But then again, I always do.

My hand now hurts. Non-stop writing. I haven't paused yet; not even to think. Stream of thoughts, that's what this is called. Nice mental exercise.

I wonder if I can write down some poetry tonight and turn it into some awesome lyrics. I guess I can't because then I would have to stop and think. And I can't do that. I guess I'm not as talented with words as Dawnson.

Yikes, that bear is still there. Gosh, but then I would freak out more if suddenly it's not there and is already beside me.

Gosh, I just scared myself.

Oh well, good night. I'll read this when I wake up. :D

Cheerio!
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Finished writing this on paper at exactly 12:00 midnight.

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